What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
Are you addicted to the ocean and ocean life?
If you are, sea kelp
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
I’m soy into you.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
How was Heaven when you left it?
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little money for the movies.
Hey, beautiful. Where have you been Haydn?
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
How much will $20 get me?
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
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