Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
Are you a musician? Because you make my heart go staccato.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
Readers do it between the covers (or alternately, readers do it between the sheets).
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
I didn't believe in predestination until I met you.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
Why did the sapling jump in the ocean? He wanted to swim with the manatrees.
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion.
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oakham
Oakham who?
Oakham all ye faithfull!
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
I love your energy.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
Are you an overdue book? Because you have fine written all over you!
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to get married.”
“Why?” asked the man, smiling.
“I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!”
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
You make me want to Twist and Shout
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
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