What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.
Even if I was T-Rex, I would find a way to hug you.
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
Are you from history? Because your body looks royal.
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
Santa’s whiskey was much too hearty,
It seems he was a bit of a smarty;
The last day of October,
He is clearly not sober,
He’s wound up at a Halloween party.
If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.
Ariana look-out for someone to date? Because look no further!
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
Do you play hockey? 'Cause I wouldn't mind poke-checking you.
I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frank you for being my friend!
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
Were you a member of the Boy Scouts? You’ve tangled up my heart.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
If everything in life passes, why do not you pass me your WhatsApp?
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
You look like a bowl of ice cream, I just want to spoon you.
What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘U’ and ‘I’ together.
Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.
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