Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
All the turtles wore turtle necks to the party.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
What do apres-ski participants in white-out blizzard conditions eat for lunch?
Icebergers. BRR!
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
Babe, there's a few tough road series coming up, but if we can make it through them, I'll know it's real.
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
"You had me at merlot."
What's a ghost with a broken leg called? A hoblin goblin.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
Is your nickname cream cheese? Because you’re about to get bageled.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
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