"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
Read a story about two people who stole cars driving into each other.
Must have been Bonnie and Collide
Wanna partner up so we can test the spring potential of my bed mattress?
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Let's play a game called TV, I turn your knobs and you watch my antennae rise.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
How am I supposed to shamelessly flirt with you in the middle of the night when I don’t have your number?
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
Did you know I’m a flower? Because I just need somebudy like you.
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.
I'm acorn-y person.
Up to snow good.
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
Life is better when we stick together.
Let’s have high tea & fall in love sometime. You can be my little biscuit.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
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