"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
Nice Skates... wanna puck?
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
I love analyzing texts, but you haven't sent me any.
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
You should go in the water, cuz you're so hot you're on fire!
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
Keep calm and carrot on.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
Your name must be Summer because you are hot.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
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