What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.

"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt

Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.

Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.

A family of beavers were walking across a river. During that time, the dad said to the family: “Dam it.”

One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?

Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.

What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.

What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.

What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.

What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!

I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”

My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."

Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.

Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"

"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"

My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.

If I knew I was going to die tomorrow, I would spend every second today thinking about you.

What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!

Whenever you and me get together, it's like superposition of 2 waves in phase.

When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.

People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.

If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life

Thank god I'm wearing gloves because you are too hot to handle.

What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.

I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster

Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.

What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz

My uncle was crushed by a piano...
His funeral was very low key.

Your mausoleum or mine?

I tried playing baseball in the fog today.

It was a bit hit and mist.

Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.

What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.

The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.

The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.

What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.

Darling, I never want you to leaf me.

What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.

The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.

"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey

Why didn't the cell phone wear his glasses? He lost his contacts.

I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."

Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.

The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.

Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!

Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you are Cu-Te.