Are you a model?
Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
With conjunctions, you and I can be together.
My uncle was crushed by a piano...
His funeral was very low key.
Girl you're like my favorite Spotify playlist... No matter how much I wander I'd always come back to you.
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A Gummy Bear
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
You and the sun have one thing in common. You are both radiant.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Finally, the soccer ball decided to quit the team. The reason behind its move was that it was tied of being kicked around.
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
I have a snake and he wants to enter your garden.
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
Excuse me madan, could you help me? My hands ar so heavy. Could you hold them for me?
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
"For peep's sake."
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
Most unicorns start off as poor hunters until they can really horn their skills.
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