"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
Hey Girl are you my checked in luggage? 'Cause I’d wait an eternity for you at the airport.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
What is an evil dictator’s favorite type of weather?
A rain of terror.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
I heard your beauty inspired an artistic movement called "perfectionism".
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
Wait until you see my thunda from down unda!
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
What is it called when a witch only casts spells that rhyme?
Poetry in Potion.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
Don't get tide-up in sorrows, you will only cry a river.
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
You’re the only rein-dear for me.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
Are you that note I messed up? Because I can’t stop thinking about you.
What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
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