What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
As I only have two factors, I’m the prime candidate for you.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
Cell phones are a static symbol.
Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
"Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing."
- Austin Powers (1999)
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
You are sweeter than 3.14.
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
Knock knock.
Who's there?
My divorce attorney
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
Did you know that chemists do it on the table periodically? Let’s be chemists for a day!
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
You can put your hands at my heart’s center.
Baby you could even make the Cold War hot!
Swiped for the dog, stayed for the human.
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
Do you have an inhaler? You took my breath away.
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
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