“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.
Are you a fairy? Because you are the fulfillment of all my wishes.
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
"Back that glass up."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lee
Lee who?
Lee me alone - I've got a headache!
"Just don't carrot all."
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
My grandfather had the heart of a tiger
And a lifetime ban at the zoo
What was the seal's favorite subject in school?
ART ART ART!
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.
What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
Is that an energy bar in your pocket, or are you just happpy to see me?
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.
Tomatoes are red, roses are red too. We both know what I truly love is you.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Dolphins don't have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
The boot black brought the black boot back.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
I slipped some Great Barrier Reefers in yur drink.
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
you must be augmented cause my love for you just won't diminish!
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
I can out here for an easy run, but you make my heart do speed work
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