Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.

What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who

“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman

Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.

Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.

I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.

It's ice to meet you.

“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder

Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?

I like you about 1/18 as much as I like a Pumpkin Spice Latte, which is to say “I love you forever, let’s get married.”

What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"

And optimist says "sure they can!"

What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.

I’m Dublin down on what I said before.

The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."

What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"

Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.

What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.

Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.

"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.

The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.

We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!

“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace

Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.

I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting

Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.

Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.

Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”

My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.

“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.

Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.

"Can you empty your pocket? I believe you have stolen my heart."
- Leverage

Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.

We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.

Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare

I have successfully managed to synthesize a protein that makes two people fall in love. Do you want to try it?

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"

I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.

You’re my pot of gold.

What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.

I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.

My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.

The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.

Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!

Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.

I'm no sandman, but I can take you to cotton candy land.

“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author