What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs.
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
It's easier to prepare meals with this new cookware-wolf.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
Two skeletons are talking in a bar.
Skeleton 1: "Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?"
Skeleton 2: “Of corpse I am.”
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
In my own version of the periodic table of elements, the number one element is U.
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
Why did the volleyball player join the marines? To serve our country.
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
"Dying to have fun."
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
Icy what you did there.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Donut
Donut who?
Donut open til Christmas!
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
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