Where does a fisherman go to get his hair cut?
The fisherman goes to a bobber shop!
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
A spider called a tech support office.
He needed help connecting to the web.
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
I whale always love you.
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
What do we call an airplane that cannot take off? It is called an error plane.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
Can you give me directions…to your heart?
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
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