I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Is there a wormhole that will always take me directly to where you are?
Do you happen to know sign language? Because this is the last time you’ll hear from me.
Skiing is believing!
Take off your shirt, I want to be closer to your heart.
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.
What's the opposite of urine?
I'm out.
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
Were you forged by Sauron? Because baby, you're precious.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."
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