If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
I'd like to eat breakfast with you.
Can I invite you to dinner?
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
We’ve got serious chemistry.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
I know we just met, but I Cairo lot about you.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
You must be Saturn Because I feel attracted to you even when I’m a million miles away!
What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.
"I whip my hare back and forth."
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
Baby if you were a burger at McDonalds you would be a McGorgeous.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
Your smile is like a supernova. Brighter than anything in the universe.
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