“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
"Hey baby, you look so good, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of y'all!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
Are you Broca’s aphasia? Because you leave me speechless…
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
My love for you is like an exponential curve. It’s unbounded.
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
Why don’t we go somewhere where I can stick a candle in your jack-o-lantern?
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
What does Spider-man become when he joins the circus?
an aracnobat.
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
Man: Any Generic Pick Up Line
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
What is Tesla's favorite gun?
A musket
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
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