What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
Summer is just floating by.
Did your parents work on The Manhattan Project? Because you’re the bomb!
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
Are you a brand new racing suit? Because you make me forget how to breathe.
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
You must be from Prague, because I can't help but Czech you out.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
What do llamas always reply when you thank them?
No probllama.
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
Are you a star? Because you are twinkling at the party.
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
I heard your beauty inspired an artistic movement called "perfectionism".
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
Why did the Chinese communist party try to cover up the outbreak of the corona virus disease?
They were afraid not everyone could get it.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
You be Yankee Doodle, I'll be the pony.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? blood-thirsty hacker baby
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
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