There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.

If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.

Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.

What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.

“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman

What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.

Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.

Your gravitational pull is irresistible!

The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.

Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.

I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.

How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!

If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?

A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.

Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?

Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!

I value my breath so it would be nice if you didn't take it away every time you walked past.

Baby, I would trade the entire candy bar in the world for you.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”

When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.

Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.

Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock

Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.

If we are both math majors, then why is there so much chemistry between us?

What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.

Why do cats not laugh at jokes? They take things too litter-ally.

The only ship that has never docked on their harbor is the premiership.

What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed

What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.

I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.

What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.

What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.

What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.

Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.

What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!

A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.

"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson

There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor

Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.

How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.

If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.

“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown

If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"

Hey, are you a campfire? ‘Cause you’re super hot and I want s’more.

Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!

Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.

I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth

“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”

- Jeff Lindsay.