Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
I accidentally pooped in my pants. Can I get into yours?
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
Why are mice afraid of the water?
Because of catfish.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
With the kind of weather, it was almost certain that the bride-to-be would get a hoarse throat as she walked through the rain into her bridal shower.
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
Football players get cheerleaders, but hockey players bring them home.
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!
What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
What do French cherry parents say to their little cherries at home? You are mon cherry.
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
I wish I was your calculus homework, because then I'd be hard and you'd be doing me on your desk.
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
You should give me your number..who knows, I Michael you later…
Go to BabaMail
