“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
Can I get your number?
One call, that's all.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
I must be a Snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I at the beginning and U at the end.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
Are you powdered sugar? Because you're sweet, and fine!
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
Easter? I hardly even knew her.
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
Is it hot in here - or is it just you?
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
Please wait, bewitcha in a minute.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
What did a duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
Go to BabaMail
