What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
"You're the wine that I want."
I know I’m a perfect stranger, so let me introduce myself. I’m Ted. See? Now I’m just perfect.
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
What do you call the Greek God of Mexican chickens?
Apollo
People really liked the new king's coronation day peach. He truly deserves the throne.
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!
Why are owls so good at math?
They excel at owlgebra.
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
If I could rearrange the alphabet...
I'd leave it the way it is.
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Know what? I dig you, really!
I think there’s something wrong with my eye. I can’t take them off of you.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
I think you are suffering from a lack of Vitamin Me.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
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