Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.

Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.

How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”

All punts are highly intended

If I was a chessboard, I'd be lucky to have a queen like you.

Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.

I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.

Your beauty warms and lights up these frozen surroundings.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put ewe and I together.

“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell

Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.

Reading sun puns while sunbathing make one well red.

Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.

What do cars play at the weekend?

Golf.

I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.

An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.

“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor

Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake?
He destroyed it while trying to blow out the candles.

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.

"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."

“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore

Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.

Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”

You are so cute, you’ve Lily got me hooked

The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.

The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!

What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey

What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus

I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely

Halloween is the night of darkness. But you are brighter than an angel.

I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.

How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

I'm willing to lower my standards if you're going on a date with me.

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."

What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!

Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.

Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

Baby, you rock my world!

Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.

Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.

“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher

Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!