Hold the sugar, please. You're sweet enough for me.
My wife just yelled that I should fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth to reach a supply of water and die.
I know she means well.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime.
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
I’m not being obtuse, you are acute girl.
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
A piano player got arrested at a wedding...
He was trying to root the relatives.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
Hey girl, are you a defibrillator? Cause you’re sending shocks straight to my heart.
Go to BabaMail
