Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
According to the multiverse theory, there’s at least one universe where we end up together. Do you want this universe to be one of them?
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A Gummy Bear
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
Goldfish Is Saved From Drowning
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
Roses are red, violets are blue, with you in my head, this cow goes moooo.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of pray.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!
You don’t look like such a proper noun to me.
Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
There once was a bad ghoulish goblin.
Thump, thump on a crutch he was hobblin’.
It was Halloween night.
He dared to give a fright.
But he fell to the ground; he was wobblin’.
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
My counselor gave me a hug today
I guess I got shrinkwrapped
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
Girl, you and me are like loaves and fishes. Together we might be a miracle.
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
Sorry if I seem shy or nervous around you,
I have a bit of phobia, I'm afraid of attractive people like you.
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
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