How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'

"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.

World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.

Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!

What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!

Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”

Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.

My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.

My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times

“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings

What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

I'd like to get you wet. At least long enough to get you back to the ocean.

How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight

What’s happens to the sportiest horse?
It gets to be first horse-pick of the draft.

Ma'am, I am looking for a running partner, for the rest of my life.

“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters

"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown

What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!

You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."

"Some bunny needs vodka."

The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.

Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.

The view was NOT worth the trip.

Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?

Sorry lady, I'll have to eat you after dinner.
Because you're a snack!

With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..
“Made in China”

Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.

Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.

“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”

- Sam Levenson

You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.

It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.

What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.

Let me check your tag.
Yep, just as I thought - Made In Heaven.

People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.

What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”

What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!

Where do spiders play football?
Webley Stadium.

I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.

What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.

What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.

Babe, are you a virus? 'Cause, you're having an effect on my whole body.

If you were an element you'd be francium because you're the most attractive.

What is the only difference between a lion and a tiger? The mane part is missing in a tiger.

- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!

You’re as sweet as a flower, and not a daisy goes by when I don’t think of you.