Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr. Frankenstein.
I’m just trying to make a living.
You can stand under my umbrella.
Hey babe - are you the ex leader of the Australian Democrats because I'd love to Despoja.
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
Can I check the tag on your clothes?
Why, because I'm made in heaven?
No, because your sweating profusely through your armpits and I want to avoid purchasing this fabric in the future.
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
A pessimistic pest exists amidst us.
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
Grammar has never been my strong suit.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
Knock knock!
Who's there?
When where.
When where who?
Tonight, my place, me and you.
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
You raise the bar.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
I like you a latte.
Mmm baby! You’re decomposing in ALL the right places!
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
Are you a fire alarm? because you are really freaking loud and annoying
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