Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
What did the lipstick say after he let down his friend?
I’ll make it up to you.
My Cobra pose isn't the only thing that's rising upward.
I won’t let you slip through my Butter Fingers.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
I’m no adjective; I would never want to modify you.
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
I tried buying a car from a religious person and got a lemon!
I suppose you get what you prayed for..
My real costume is at home in a box under my bed.
Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Girl, you give me the butterflies.
What do cows like to eat for lunch?
Moo-shroom soup
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
What do you call someone who tells too many dinosaur jokes?
A dino-bore.
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
You should see what I can do with ice.
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
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