When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
What’s black and white, has eight wheels and travels very fast?
A panda on roller skates.
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion
An eye for an eye.
Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!
If I told you that you have a wonderful antibody, would you hold it against me?
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
I’m no James Monroe, but I can give you an Era of Good Feelings.
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
When this planet is invaded by the aliens, I’d still hold your hand.
Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
I don't think there's anything hotter than chocolate but hey! There you are in front of me.
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
If you think my Camel pose is impressive, wait until you see my Cobra.
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