Don't get tide down this summer. 'Tis the season for having fun.
Sorry lady, I'll have to eat you after dinner.
Because you're a snack!
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
Listen, I’ve got a couple important questions and I really need Samanthas
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
What did the brick road say on thanksgiving?
Cobble cobble cobble!
I do find that flamingos don’t plan very well for the future… They’re too prone to putting all their eggs in the one basket.
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
Here comes the sun of my life
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
I must have a neurodegenerative disease because I’ve forgotten your number, cutie.
What goes white black white black white black red?
A panda that falls from a cliff.
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
Roses are red. Bromothymol is blue. My love for you doesn’t have an endpoint.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
Icy what you did there.
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
Reading a shopping list, eh? I see we're both fans of the classics.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
Nothing runs a pun like bad spelling, accept poor grammar's.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
I wish I were cross-eyed so I can see you twice
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
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