There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
One should always practice what they peach.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
A truck carrying Lego got into an accident on the motorway. No one knows what happened; the authorities are still trying to piece everything together.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
Hey, was your daddy a barista because you are ALMOST what I ordered.
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden.
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
I just want to say, “I love brew.”
You should go in the water, cuz you're so hot you're on fire!
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