Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?
“Alp!”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the the peep hole and find out.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
All things must grass.
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
Treat yo'elf.
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
I just want to take you out to brunch and shower you with quiches.
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
Wanna see my world cup in action?
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
Long time no sea.
Look like we've got a long wait here in the check-out line, so why don't we get acquainted.
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gorilla!
Gorilla who?
Gorilla burger! I've got the buns!
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
If I was a chessboard, I'd be lucky to have a queen like you.
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
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