What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Your clothes would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8 m/s.
How do you get down off an penguin?
You don’t – you get down off a duck.
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
Knock Knock Who's there?
Pecan!
Pecan who?
Pecan somebody your own size!
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
I need an Imodium because I can't hold in my love for you.
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the ONe.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
Even the Chocolate factory doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
Do you have to leave so soon? I was just going to poison your drink.
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Thanks shallot.
What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
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