How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito?
Himalarya.
Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
Forget about pumpkin, you’re the only cutie pie I need.
"I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees."
― Pablo Neruda, Twenty Love Poems and A Song of Despair
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.
Luca here, I’m just going to cut to the chase and ask if you want to get a drink with me
Want to show me how to make steamy greens?
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
I like your wart, want to see a few of mine?
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
The public investigated a box full of crows because it was a murder case.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Two ghosts were at a disco. One was having a fa-boo-lous time and the other wanted to boo-gie all night long!
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
I have to say “Hi” to the prettiest girl in the room… can you help me say “Hi” to that girl over there?
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
qwsedrftgyhujikolpawesdrtfgyhujikloaszxdcrfvgtbhnjmk,lazsxdcfvgsedtfrgyftg67y78u87u8uii9op[;'';;'/;l/l;.l.k,lkmjkmertyudfghjk12q21q2qw3qwe3we4r45rt6ygerdgfvbwedfcv qwedfscv
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
Can I also deposit my number into your phone?
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
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