The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
Are you bad WiFi?
Because I'm feeling no connection here.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
Are you my favorite book? Because when I think about you I touch my shelf.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
You’d better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart.
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
At the end of the year, there is always a rock n’ bowl concert where everyone gets entertained.
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
I’m not sure, but I think I’m falling in love with you already.
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
What does a bowler and a Thanksgiving guest have in common?
They both want a Turkey.
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
You’re as sweet as Pi.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
"I make pour decisions."
On a Halloween night, long ago,
I went trick or treating with Margo;
We went as Jack and Jill,
And our pail we did fill,
Back in the city of Chicago.
Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
The khaki in my shirt brings out the color in your eyes.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
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