More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
What did the drum say about his childhood?
Those were the cymbaler days.
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
Hey girl, I can't wait to see your body - of Christ.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
I think there’s something wrong with my eye. I can’t take them off of you.
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fork
Fork who?
Fork-get it, I'm leaving!
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
What is a birch’s favorite dinosaur? The Tree
Rex.
If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Hey girl, did you know I'm a cashier?
Because I'm totally checking you out.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
Is this seat saved? Because I am.
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
Your lips look so lonely. Would they like to meet mine?
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
Has the abominable snowman called?
Not Yeti.
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
If you were coffee grounds, you’d be espresso ’cause you’re so fine.
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