Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
"Maybe this is not the right time for us"
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lock
Lock who?
Lock who it is, after all this time!
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
You’re pretty and I’m damn cute. If we’re together, we would be pretty cute.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
Just like I never play with poop, I promise you that I will never play with your heart.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
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