How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
"Daddy Neck Stretchers"
A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!
Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.
Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.
I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!
Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.
Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.
– Darlene Gifford
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
What do we call an airplane that cannot take off? It is called an error plane.
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!
I'm lactose intolerant so please keep your cheesy pick up lines away from me.
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
It’s pretty plane and simple… I really think we could take off.
What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don’t answer the door.
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
I saw a flyer about a missing flower, would you call your florist and let him know you are safe?
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
Something is Wrong With My Bicycle,
it doesn't Go Straight.
Some bunny loves you.
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
We bee-long together.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
Will you remember me in a minute?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
You didn’t remember me!
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