What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
What did the brick road say on thanksgiving?
Cobble cobble cobble!
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
I don't normally make the first move, but there was just something dif-fur-ent about you.
How do snails make important calls? On shell phones.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
Can I have your number so I can call you anytime I miss you?
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
What happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
I’m winning this race to get your number. Are you game?
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
You can take me home tonight, but only if Yuletide-y up your place.
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
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