How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.

What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.

Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!

Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood

If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.

Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.

What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!

Q. Which game do hunters go after first?
A. The nearest and the deerest.

What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.

What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?It’s been nice gnawing you.

Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

Falling in love with you takes less time than my DNA takes to replicate.

In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.

You're like my favourite chocolate bar - half sweet and half nuts!

Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.

The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.

How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.

What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!

What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread

Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.

Do you have the power of a volcano? Because I lava you!

“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”

I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.

Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.

Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)

What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.

What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.

Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.

How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.

Windmills? I’m a huge fan!

“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous

Do you have my other lung? Because I’ve been LUNG-ing for you.

What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?

The Mazda-lorian

Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner

"What an egg-citing day."

Ohh hey… You’re Riley cute

Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.

I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.

During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”

I'm going to start watching my caffeine intake because baby you make my heart palpitate.

The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.

Are you my appendix?
Because I don't know anything about you but this feeling in my gut is telling me that I should take you out.

Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.

“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett

Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.

What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.