My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
I’ve got my phone, and you have your phone number… imagine the possibilities.
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
Hey Anna, how about you Anna I grab a drink sometime?
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
Do you want to share some valence electrons? This way, we can have a stable relationship.
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
"I don't bite, you know... unless it's called for."
- Audrey Hepburn, Charade (1963)
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
What do you say when you catch a bee? Behold!
Don't add honey to your tea. You are already sweet enough!
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants?
A pair of swimming trunks.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be dead than continue seeing you!
Why couldn’t the clownfish buy a house?
The fish could not buy a house because he didn’t have an-e-mon-e!
I ain't greedy baby, all I want is all you got.
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
Mermaids always drink mermosas.
Cycle with me? I feel like I’m on a whole other gear when I’m with you!
What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus
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