What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
Are you spaghetti? I want to put sauce on you.
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
Are there any funny red wine puns at BabaMail Jokes?
You bet Shiraz there are!
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
Something’s goat to give.
Guy: "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"
Girl: "No, but I did scrape my knees a couple times crawling up from hell."
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
Two monkeys are high up in the tree.
One turns to the other and says, “Oooo ooo aah aahh!!”
The second monkey says, “Well put some cold water on it then!"
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.
What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
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