I think therefore I yam.
How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier?
They docked his pay.
What do cows like to eat for lunch?
Moo-shroom soup
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
Don't get tide down.
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
Are you that note I messed up? Because I can’t stop thinking about you.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
You are the best compression gear because you made my blood flow.
Call me Hamstring, 'cause you've pulled.
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
"If it's meant to be it's meant to be....but just to be clear it isn't."
I'm snow bored.
What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
You're a good egg.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
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