What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.
What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
I used to believe in natural theology, but since I met you I've converted to divine revelation.
Are you tinsel? Because I want you all over my tree.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
Are you squiding me right now?
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
I was supposed to solve for X. I am so glad that I found U instead.
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
Looks like I Andrew the winning card today
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? MY ZIPPER!
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
Dad has a pet snake that eats the grass in his yard.
It's a lawnboa.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
Are you the Mayflower? Because you have been sailing through my head
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
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