How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
I use homemade pumpkin spice. Would you like to try some?
What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Hey Anna, how about you Anna I grab a drink sometime?
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
You make me more excited than gifts under a Christmas tree.
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
The first time I saw your hiking boots, I knew we were sole-mates.
Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog.
You’re my heartthrob.
I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
Hey Baby, wanna find out why they call me Pumpkin-Head?
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
Are you the sun?
Because you should stay 93 million miles away from me.
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
I'm a proverbs 32 kind of guy and you're a proverbs 31 kinda woman.
Are you sugar? Because I want you in everything I have.
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
You shouldn't wear make up, baby.
It's messing with perfection.
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
Hey babe, I’ve been straining my oculomotor nerve looking everywhere for you.
Do you have a Band-Aid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
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