"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips!
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
If I’d give you eleven roses, what would you see in the mirror? A dozen roses.
Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?
Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
What do you call a tooth in a glass full of water?
A one molar solution.
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
You're my missing ingredient.
They say Disney World is the happiest place on earth, obviously, they haven't been in your arms.
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
I feel like we’re developing some good chemis-tree.
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
"It's not you...it's your taste in music"
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Question: What is the oldest animal?
Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white!
.
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
Cute dog in your pics! Can I have his number?
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
I’m thinking about buying a new phone because this crappy one doesn’t have your number in it.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
Someone randomly dropped off a bull in my neighbor’s yard, but animal control picked it up before she got home.
She would have had a cow.
They can prohibit my alcohol, you intoxicate me enough.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
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