With Coronavirus and our impending doom, I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all.
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
Two skeletons are talking in a bar.
Skeleton 1: "Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?"
Skeleton 2: “Of corpse I am.”
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
Are you from history? Because your body looks royal.
"Dying to have fun."
If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
Are you lonesome tonight? I can't help falling in love with you.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.
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