I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
Why was the pun a bad comedian?
He never got the pun-chline right!
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.
Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
If I can't score, can I at least get an assist?
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"
The other friend replies: "No sh** Sherlock, of course I do!"
Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?
Ghoul-Aid.
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
Don’t be elfish.
Are you a high jumper? Because you make my bar go up.
I'd start a revolution for your number.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to do something naughty with you.
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
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