The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
I'm no Joseph. Perhaps you can help me interpreting the dreams I've been having about you?
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
Why did the artist use the bathroom? Because she was consta-painted.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
I'd buy a tandem bike just to ride with you.
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
France is beautiful in every Cezanne.
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
Let’s take an elfie.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
Santa’s whiskey was much too hearty,
It seems he was a bit of a smarty;
The last day of October,
He is clearly not sober,
He’s wound up at a Halloween party.
Why did the keyboard not get any sleep?...
Because it has two shifts.
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
I didn't know snow angels could fly as pretty as you skiing.
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
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