Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
Are you Jewish? Cause you IS RAELI HOT.
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
Are you from pennsylvania cause I want to stick my pen in your sylvania.
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing In Killing
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
You must be a choir director, because you make my heart sing!
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every f**king day.
What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
Are you a beaver? Because I like your tail.
What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
Is your name Alice? ‘cause baby I can show you Wonderland.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
You're as intoxicating as home distilled liquor.
How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit.
If we're going to make love later, you should probably be there.
Roses are red, my face is too, this only happens when I cycle with you.
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Absolutely terrified!
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners!
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
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