You're like the neighbors' WiFi. Everyone wants to use you.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
"Have an eggs-tra special Easter day."
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!
I like books, you like books, why don't we start writing the story of us?
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
I think you might be a star because I can’t stop orbiting around you.
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
In your hands my heart is clay, To take and hold as you may.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
My friends have been calling me a loon, because I'm crazy about you.
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
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