If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
Why was the deer a good driver? He was great at using the deering wheel!
Honestly, I really lilac you.
How do you organize a space party? You planet!
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
When I see your face there's not a thing that I would change...
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
Tom Hanks just got the Corona virus.
They had to lock the whole Cast Away.
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
How am I supposed to shamelessly flirt with you in the middle of the night when I don’t have your number?
Why did the ghoul become green?
It was sick of eating brains!
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
What did one cloud of fog say to the other?
I don’t know. It’s a mistery.
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
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