All you need is a little vitamin sea.

Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.

Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!

A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"

A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending

Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.

“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.

How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes

how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.

What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.

What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.

Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.

Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.

You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.

Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!

He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.

What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!

What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.

Baby if you were a burger at McDonalds you would be a McGorgeous.

Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!

What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.

Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.

If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.

You're my purr-son.

"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.

Your body has the nicest arc length I have ever seen.

It was a great fire. It was a bon-fire.

Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.

What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.

Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."

Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.

You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.

“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers

How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.

When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.

Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.

What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.

What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.

It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.

"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino

Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.

While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears

Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!

"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney

I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.

What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No, cows go MOO!

What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.