It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
I think there’s something wrong with my eye. I can’t take them off of you.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Hey, are you a campfire? ‘Cause you’re super hot and I want s’more.
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
My real costume is at home in a box under my bed.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
I use homemade pumpkin spice. Would you like to try some?
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
Allow me to synapse with you, and we shall store the most wonderful of memories.
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
I wish I was your calculus homework, because then I'd be hard and you'd be doing me on your desk.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Reading is a novel idea.
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
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