"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
Call me on the shellphone.
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
You are the Renaissance to my Dark Ages, you light up my world.
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
I see we’re both doing Pigeons!
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
I know you love playing soccer, wanna play a soccer lover?
Wanna make out in my Tundra Buggy?
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up. You must've been made by Intel to be that hot!
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
Babe, your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon.
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
You're like my drug - when I'm with you, I feel Absinthe-minded.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
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