What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
We must be near an airport, because my heart just took off when I saw you!
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
Do you know why bread hates warm weather? It just makes things too toasty.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.
What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms!
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
You've stolen a pizza my heart.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
What do you call a pig who does karate?
A pork chop.
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
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