A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
Is your name chocolate, because you make my seratonin levels rise and give me a sense of pleasure.
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Rabbit.
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
You are so hot that you light my morning sky with burning love
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Juno.
Juno who?
Juno I love you, don't you?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
Europe early this morning!
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
Rudder valve reversals
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
Girl, do you need to get your protein macros up? Because I'd gladly make you a drink
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
I don't want to make the faux-paw of coming on strong, but your dog is so adorable, I couldn't resist.
I'm going to have to get a security guard because you're trying to steal my heart.
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
I was supposed to solve for X. I am so glad that I found U instead.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
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