Hey girl, are you Morphine? 'Cause, you take my pain away.
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
Can we still share a netflix account?
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
Gold riddance.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Hold up, I don't want to fall for anyone else but you, so let me tie my shoes now.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Beauty is only pig skin deep
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
On scale of one to 10, you’re a poutine.
Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
Anaerobic respiration reminds me of how you take my breath away.
Did you hear that cats have carried out a Coup in Barcelona and declared independence from Spain?
They're calling themselves the Republic of Catalo-nya.
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
I heard there are names that can be impossible to make puns out of, say its not Zoey!
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
Oh buoy – we’re having a splash bash!
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
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