What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
I'm no Jane, but I'd Eyre on the side of saying I think you're beautiful.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you until I'm sixty-four!
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
I'd definitely let you join in my reindeer games.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
I’m just wondering. Now that you’re here, who’s running heaven now?
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
How did the calf’s final exam turn out?
Grade A.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
May I put my basketballs in your hoop?
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
I was prepping the raw turkey for Thanksgiving dinner
It was fowl.
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
What do you call a giant mushroom? Hu-fungus.
You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
You smell just like my mom, want to grab a drink?
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
I wish I was an ion, so I could form an exothermic bond with you.
A Halloween bash in my street
was a night that will never repeat
the spirits that come
were tequila and rum
and I ended up drunk on my feet.
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
Go to BabaMail
