How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
I think you might be a star, because I can't stop orbiting around you.
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
Hey summer, long time no sea!
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
Who babysits young Bigfoots?
Sasq-watcher.
Want to go for a ride?
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause, you look out of this world.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
If you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning.
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
"Rosé all day."
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
You know, I don't need energy bars to keep me going.
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
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