Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king’s kitchen.
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
Call me Hamstring, 'cause you've pulled.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
Military submarines are a deep navy blue in color.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Hold on for deer life.
The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn't want to miss any calls.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
Hey girl, are you a broom?
Why, because I swept you off your feet?
No, because you're really hairy.
I'm having a sale in my bedroom. My clothes are 100% off.
I like 25 letters of the alphabet
But I love U.
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
Girl, are you the Wuhan Corona Virus?
Because you’re taking my breath away.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow
In your hands my heart is clay, To take and hold as you may.
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material!
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
Santa’s whiskey was much too hearty,
It seems he was a bit of a smarty;
The last day of October,
He is clearly not sober,
He’s wound up at a Halloween party.
Is it a full moon? Because I feel a tidal pull toward your heavenly body.
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
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