"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
I don't mean to brag, but I'm one of the fastest speed-readers in the tri-county area.
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I will not smell it!
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
Cutest clover in the patch.
You must be a sustainably farmed mushroom because you’re really growing on me.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
You have one compact set.
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
Hey babe, I want tibia your Valentine!
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
Icy what you did there.
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
Dr. Phil says that I am afraid of a commitment. Do you want to prove him wrong?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Hatch
Hatch who?
God bless you!
Hey girl, I can't wait to see your body - of Christ.
You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Nose.
Nose who?
I nose plenty more knock-knock jokes!
Was scared to approach you honestly, but I decided to take a Nata-leap of faith.
Baby, you rock my world!
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
Are you a banker?
Because you need to leave me a loan.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
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