I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
Don’t go bacon my heart.
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
You must be a magician, because every time I look at you, everyone else disappears.
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
Roses are red
And you gotta go
Because I found out
That you is a ho.
How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
Girl you're like my favorite Spotify playlist... No matter how much I wander I'd always come back to you.
I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
Case in punt
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
From my head tomatoes, I love you bunches.
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
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