You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
I’ll be there in a pinch.
I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
My love for you is like dividing by zero… It can’t be defined!
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
This sidewalk must be unsalted, because I just fell for you.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
What do you call a rental car in Spain?
A Barceloaner.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
I'd love to see you s'more.
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
To me, you’re just like hydrogen because you’re number 1!
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
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