Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!
Do you play hockey? 'Cause I wouldn't mind poke-checking you.
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
Call me AC/DC, because I'm gonna rock you all night long!
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
My flower blooms whenever I see your beautiful face, I hope you know what I mean.
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
Turtles love taking shell-fies.
Want to get some air? You took my breath away!
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
What did the foot say to the football?
I toed you.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
How are a volleyball coach and a dentist similar? They both use drills.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
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