I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
The expiration date says "best if used by tonight." Can I make you dinner?
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
I love dogs, you love dogs, it's just me or is there some real pet-tential here?
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
I'd be Lyon to myself if I said I thought we weren't meant to be.
Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
What do you call a thriller movie involving cars?
Suspension movie.
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.
What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
What do you call a very tall cherry blossom tree in Italy? The leaning flower of Pisa.
Are you a lexicographer? Because you make my life more meaningful.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
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