Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
I'm actually way hotter than poutin.
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W-H-O.
Rebel without a Claus.
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
What did the shark say to the whale?
What are you blubbering about?
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
Is your name Summer? It has to be, because you're hot!
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
I can tell that you're a fan of Confucius, 'cause everything about you is rite.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
Hey babe, how about I plan a romantic weekend get away, and while I’m gone you can pack your shit and GTFO?
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
Have you botany plants lately?
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?
Reggae-Toni.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
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