What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when she extracted metal from ore?
I’m smelting!
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
"I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees."
― Pablo Neruda, Twenty Love Poems and A Song of Despair
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne
I know Benjamin Franklin.
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
The pool water isn’t very hot but you sure are.
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
"You crack me up."
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
You must be my coronary artery because you’re wrapped around my heart.
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
Why do you think is the moon bald? Because it has no ‘air.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
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