I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
In the croakroom.
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
Sorry to interrupt with a bad pick up line, but if you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
Do you like sales? Because if you're looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!
(By Demecia Dean)
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
Roses are red, violets are blue, give me your number, so I can bloom with you.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
I put the “man” in Manitoba.
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
I think you're mer-mazing.
Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard
Let’s shell-ebrate good times and tan lines.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.
Forget about Spider man, Batman, or Superman. I’ll be your man.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
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