Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
Hey Audrey, Audreyly like to take you out
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
When the baseball team chose an owl masot, did they get a designated hooter?
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
What did the sarcastic otter say?
I think you’ve confused me with someone who builds a dam.
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
Want to see the real coming attraction?
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
You must be a choir director, because you make my heart sing!
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
I sulfur when you argon.
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
What do you call a large gorilla who appears to be in a bad mood?
Sir.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
I am terrified of people who urinate quietly.
After all, all psychos have a silent p.
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
Seed between the lines.
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
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