Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rome!
Rome who?
Rome is where the heart is!
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
Are you heading to India? 'Cause I'd Goa anywhere with you!
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
"Bugs and hisses."
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
(Staring at boxes of cereal) I treat all boxes with respect.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
I was working on my family history. Do you think it's too early to list you as a spouse?
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
Roses are red, violets are blue. In all this land, there’s no lady fairer than you.
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
If you think I’m hot now, wait until you see what I turn into at midnight.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.
Your Zygomaticus Major is the best thing that I have witnessed.
You are photon quanta to my valence electron because you excite me to a higher energy level.
Girl, you’re like Propofol. You’re a knockout.
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
Go to BabaMail
