Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
You’re sledding a fine line there.
Why don’t kangaroos make good sailors?
Because they’re always jumping ship.
Can I have directions?
To your heart.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
I just brushed my teeth, ladies.
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
I drank alot of alcohol at the airport last night.
I now have a terminal hangover.
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
What kind of vest should you wear in the fall?
A har-vest.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
Your voice is so a-do-re-ble to mi
I’m a 30-60-90 triangle and you’re a 40-40-90 triangle – we’re just right for each other.
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
Is it ad-out again? I’m going to hit my breaking point.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
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