What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
The temperature can only go up from here.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Wow, you're undeniably exothermic! I bet you get that reaction a lot.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
What did the ghost who crashed the Halloween party say? - I’m here for the boos!
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
My teen daughter was sent home from school for covid exposure.....
She’s now my quaranteen.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.
When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini
I think you might be a star, because I can't stop orbiting around you.
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
I don’t know what the trick is, but you certainly are a treat.
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
I didn’t plan on specializing, but you seem pretty special to me.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
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