Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
Hey girl, I put the stud in Bible study.
On a scale from 1 to 10, you're a 9... And I'm the 1 you need.
You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
4G, or not 4G, that is the question.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
Are you German? Cuz you’re a Nein and I’m the one Ja need.
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
Are you doing Ananda Balasana, or are you just happy to see me, baby?
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
Your presence gives meaning to my yoga practice and enlightenment.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
Do you know how to dunk cookies? Ask a basketball chef.
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C
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