We are perfect balance for each other.
Let's Taco about love.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
Why is Frankenstein’s monster so popular?
He’s a real people person.
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
I’m browsing the winter-net.
Near an ear, a nearer ear, a nearly eerie ear.
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
You can take me home tonight, but only if Yuletide-y up your place.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
You sweep me off my feet!
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
"Are you a witch because you sure got me spellbound."
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
Girl, if we were lymphocytes, you’d be a natural killer.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
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