Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
Did you hear about the fumbled exorcism? The guy retained possession!
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
Can I check the tag on your clothes?
Why, because I'm made in heaven?
No, because your sweating profusely through your armpits and I want to avoid purchasing this fabric in the future.
When I first saw you I looked for a signature, because every masterpiece has one.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
Why do volleyball players join the military? They want to gain extra experience in the service.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
As soon as one beaver jumped in the river to search for his key, it got shocked, as the current was too strong.
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
What’s a horse’s favorite dinosaur?
The broncosaurus.
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
"No wine left behind."
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
Have you seen the Greek book that became a movie? You odyssey it.
If there was no gravity on this planet, I would still fall for you.
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
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