When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
Fairies just wand to have fun.
I was trying to think of a good pun for your name, but I can’t think of Jack
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
The nurse always carried a red pen in her pocket in case she needed to draw blood.
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
Summer is just floating by.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
"Do you like computers?" (yes.) "Do you like file sharing?" (yes) "Good, 'cause I'm downloadable and user friendly!"
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
What do you call a Greek love song?
An Aphro-ditty.
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material!
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
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