Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
Love me till ice cream.
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
Hey girl, are you on the endangered species list? 'Cause baby you are one of a kind!
My buddies bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl on the river. Would you like to get a drink later with their money?
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
I love you and I ain’t lion.
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
Have you ever been fishing before? I think we should hook up!
My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
Is it hot in here or am I just wearing two pairs of long johns?
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
Hey I need a female opinion - what do you think would look better on me, this or this?
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
You know, less teeth means more tongue.
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
Can you put some hot sauce on my enchilada, I need some spice in my life.
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
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