"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."

Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?

Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.

When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.

If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.

Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.

Oh, the heat! Doesn’t summer know – you’re all the sunshine I need!

Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.

Is your name Misty? You look so good in the rain.

What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.

What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships

If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”

What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?

One reigns up and the other rains down.

What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!

Hey cutie nice pants, got any room in there for me.

I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.

The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.

Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?

What has four legs and one arm?

A rottweiler at a park.

When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.

Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day.

Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.

Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.

What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.

Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.

A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.

A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.

What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.

More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!

Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.

99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.

Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.

Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.

It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.

The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.

“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”

- Betty White.

Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?

I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!

I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.

This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.

You're so beautiful, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of you.

Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!

Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”

Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.

My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.

Who will Frankenstein’s monster take to the dance?
Any old girl he can dig up.

Your Zygomaticus Major is the best thing that I have witnessed.