How about you let me take you to the Planetarium? You seem to belong there since your beauty is celestial.

What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!

What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?

Fast food.

"Yoda one for me."

I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend.
None of you are invited.

My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.

My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”

Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.

I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.

Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"

I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."

All theatres love to see scarecrows out in the audience as reviewers! They're simply outstanding in their field.

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.

“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn

Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.

Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.

Green is the most relaxed color in the rainbow, it's so jade back.

It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.

Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.

What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.

It took God seven days to make the world but it'll only take seven digits for you to change mine.

What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.

"Oh, sweet child of wine."

Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!

"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron

Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.

What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.

How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.

What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!

For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.

Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!

Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein

What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.

Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.

I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.

“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde

Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!

My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.

What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!

Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.

Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.

My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.

What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.

What’s an alligator’s favorite dip?
Croc-amole.

You know, less teeth means more tongue.

Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!

My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.