All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
My wife and my friends are sick of my puns about The Abominable Snowman.
Yeti keep cracking them.
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
You've really struck a gourd with me...
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
Are you Hershey's chocolate? Because I would like one kiss from you.
What do bulls do when they go shopping? They CHARGE!
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
What is it called when a witch only casts spells that rhyme?
Poetry in Potion.
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
This sidewalk must be unsalted, because I just fell for you.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies.
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
Close your eyes and I will kiss you. Tomorrow I will miss you.
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
What do dogs and Santa have in common?
They are both seen Dachshund through the snow.
People write Congrats because spelling Congrajlashins is hard.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
I am so dedicated to basketball, but I promise you I will bring that dedication to our relationship.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.
What do flowers study in college?
STEM.
Roses are red, violets are blue. In all this land, there’s no lady fairer than you.
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
This is snow laughing matter!
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
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