What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
You make the Queen of Sheba look like a hobo.
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
Why did the volleyball player join the marines? To serve our country.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
You're by far the prettiest girl here. The 'Liberty bell' of the ball.
You are the best compression gear because you made my blood flow.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Hey Girl! Are you a software program?
Because you've been running in my memory all day.
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Hey, remember back when we were a thing… Yeah… Good times.
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
You sleigh me.
Boy, are you Elvis Presley? Because lord almighty I feel my temperature rising
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.
“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to get married.”
“Why?” asked the man, smiling.
“I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!”
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
You're hot enough for both of us during winter.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
I’m not a photographer, but I can definitely picture your number on my phone.
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
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