Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
I want you more than I want world peace.
What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
What did the puppy say to his mum?
I woof you.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
Is there a science room nearby, or am I just sensing chemistry between us?
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
Hold on for deer life.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
You must be a magician, because everytime I look at you, everyone else disappears.
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
Made a whole bunch of dad jokes at Thanksgiving dinner...
I pulled out all the Pops!
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
Belize me, baby, I will Peru'v my love for you at any Cost.
I'm not a hipster, but I could make your hips stir.
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fork
Fork who?
Fork-get it, I'm leaving!
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
I don't need Christmas lights, you're already shining so bright.
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
Military submarines are a deep navy blue in color.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
I like you sow much.
What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
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