Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ima.
Ima who?
Ima horny, let's screw.
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?
Why do farmers make terrible comedians?
Their jokes are corny!
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
Can I check the tag on your clothes?
Why, because I'm made in heaven?
No, because your sweating profusely through your armpits and I want to avoid purchasing this fabric in the future.
How about we drop the gloves and go at it?
Where do bus drivers eat their lunches? In a traffic jam.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
It's getting warmer and the snow is melting. Time for me to melt your heart.
Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the thin ice our relationship is on.
Belize let me hold you.
Your eyes look like dark black holes, buI can't help but to be drawn in.
Girl, your really good at this catch and release thing. Every time I catch my breath around you, you make me lose it again.
Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
What do llamas always reply when you thank them?
No probllama.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
How was Heaven when you left it?
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.
Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!
Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
Nice life preservers.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
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