Hi, I see that you're new to this gym, and I wanna be the first male to bother you.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
"Some bunny loves you."
Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a Fineapple.
I feel like a Christmas tree when you talk to me because I light up.
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
Hey baby, let me take you on a trip around the world.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
What did the girl say before making a big decision?
‘Do not pressure me.’
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
I think it would be hot if we f**ked other people. Exclusively.
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
Seed between the lines.
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
You’re pretty and I’m damn cute. If we’re together, we would be pretty cute.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
Copernicus was wrong, you are the center of my universe.
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
What plant do both Spaniards and French agree is the best?
Seaweed.
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