Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
Hold me tight dear and I promise to send all my loving to you.
Having a ball
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
Where is the Ghost’s bedroom located? Down the Hall-oween.
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
Could I have your name and number for my prayer list?
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
I recently ran a charity marathon to promote greener earth, but the run left me a little jaded.
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
If you were to be as rich as your number, how much are you worth?
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
You look pretty cool, I hope you don’t lead me Jack to square one
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.
How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?
Whoopsie Daisies
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