"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
How do you throw a space party? You planet.
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
Hey babe, how about I plan a romantic weekend get away, and while I’m gone you can pack your shit and GTFO?
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
Does your dad own a chocolate factory? Because you are as sweet as chocolate.
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
I like my coffee like I like my men: either tall or with a confusing Italian name.
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
Roses are red, violets are blue, Antarctica is hot compared to you.
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
Call me Hamstring, 'cause you've pulled.
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.
Did you get lost on your run? Because heaven is a long way from here.
I really like you. So does my wife.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
If you were a function, then you’d be my asymptote ’cause I always tend toward you!
Dang girl, are you an angel? Because you are dead to me.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
It seems like you have the answer to my math problem. What are your digits?
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
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