Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
You're not allowed to use your hands in this game.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
What happened when the two giraffes had a race?
It was neck and neck.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
Girl, if we were lymphocytes, you’d be a natural killer.
My favorite music is by Spandau Croc-quet.
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
Are you alone? Nice to meet you, me too.
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
Is your nickname cream cheese? Because you’re about to get bageled.
What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
Have you ever worked in a hotel?
Then why are you checking me out?
And yes, gnomes are always trying to get to first base with the ladies.
When is the course too wet to play golf?
When your golf cart capsizes.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
Do you know what a beavers' favorite snack is? Wood chips.
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
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