What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.

What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.

I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.

Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.

Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!

How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”

Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material!

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!

Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.

“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”

- Guy Endore-Kaiser.

ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.

"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo

When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"

Bookworms take shelfies.

Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?

Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...

Brutus: I ate 2 slices.

Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?

Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.

Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield

How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.

“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith

“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”

– Deirdre Sullivan

Gas rig men grilled by villagers - The Oxford Times

Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.

This palace is a breath of fresh heir!

Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business

"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi

Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.

I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive

What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.

Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration, a guy sticks his location in a girl’s destination, to increase the population for the next generation. Did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?

What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!

What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.

Forget Santa, you’re on my nice list.

What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.

What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.

There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...

On Halloween night I will strut
Dressed like Jabba the Hut
Many sweets I will eat
As it is trick or treat
And double the size of my butt

"The Porcupine"

Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.

– Ogden Nash

What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.

Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.

My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'

There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)

The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement.

What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!

What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"

My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.

What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.

What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.

"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."

– Sadhguru

"Month of May"

For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.

For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.

Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.