If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
"Do I love you? My god, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches."
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ? Cheer him up!
Can I interest you in a magic trick? Just give me your phone and watch my number magically appear on it.
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
What are you doing for the rest of your afterlife?
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
Is your name Scarlett? Because when I saw you my heart was gone with the wind.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
What does a house wear?
Address.
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
No wonder the sky is gray- all the color is in your eyes.
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
Halloween is the night of darkness. But you are brighter than an angel.
What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
Are you from pennsylvania cause I want to stick my pen in your sylvania.
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
I’m thinking about buying a new phone because this crappy one doesn’t have your number in it.
When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
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